Seems I have come to the habit of writing in the book twice a day now, which I suppose is ok. I took a short nap in "my" cave earlier and when I woke, there was a small pool of blood. I thought nothing of it as I went about my business, killing the zombies and the beasts there, until I noticed it wasn't their blood I noticed earlier, it was mine. Never have I left town without making sure I had a few salves on me before venturing off to train or farm, but it would seem I did so today. I was so week by the time I crawled to the healer in Dundee, grabbing his feet, pleading with him to heal me. I thank the Gods he was there to do so, I really don't think I could have made it another step.

I am sitting in Bran in the tower there, trying to regain some of my strength. I pulled out my mirror to just see what the damage might be, hoping and praying it wasn't on my face. Thank goodness it wasn't, so it is probably on my back, for my knuckles ain't bleeding, nor my arms or legs. When I saw my reflection in the mirror, I was shocked. I have been spending way too much time in that cave. I am pale as pale can be. My armor, although I normally like to keep clean, is almost unrecognizable with all the guts and gore on it. I'm not sure if the paleness is from the caves and the lack of sun or the amount of blood I lost, so, I'm going to take a break from the farming and sit in the sun for a bit. Hopefully I won't get the urge to start back up any time soon.....

[COLOR=green][FONT=Arial]I was able to spend about a marc talking to him yesterday, and about half of that, we actually got to see each other. It felt good to be in his arms after so long.

I'm back in my cave now, yes, that's how I've come to look at it, as my cave. Seems like I'm the only one that is ever down here. The first zombie that I killed actually gave me a tb. Talk about I was in shock, shaking as I pulled a lock pick from my hair to see what this treasure held for me. As I knelt down to set to work on the lock, I was hoping beyond hope for something great. I fell off my heals, falling backwards, from laughing so hard at seeing the golden ring sitting in the box. Even though all I got was that ring, at least I do know they are out there.

I'm still in thought about certain things. I do hope they all sort out in my head eventually, but no telling when that will be. Until I am able to talk to that one person about them, I know the peace I seek will be a long time coming. So I stick to "my" cave, farming away, talking to one of my trainees via messenger bird and to Lil One, trying to make her see that I am really ok. Hopefully I've been successful at that one. Only time will tell, though........[/COLOR][/FONT]

[COLOR=red]Although it was great to give Elly her gift, and made me very happy to see that she loved it, that's about as far as my joy has gone today. I've cut myself off from just about everyone. I stay in this cave, farming, only venturing out when I need to go hassle Haggie into buying my wares. And now Lil One is starting to worry about me. I told her that I'm fine, which for the most part I am, I'm just missing him. I do wish they wouldn't worry about me. I know how to take care of myself. Of course, isn't that what they all tell me? I can understand where her worry is coming from. I haven't been like this for a long time. It's more than one of my weird moods I get in, it's deeper than that. The bad part is, I feel like only one person would understand this feeling that has come over me. I dare not voice it to anyone else. It's always that pretense I have to set forth for others to see. I have to always put on a strong front. I can never let them see me hurting or upset about something. For if I was to do so, it would prove that just maybe I am weak, and in them seeing that, then their view of me as being a strong person would be diminished. I know all that is stupid and such, but that's the way I feel. For others to see the real me, for them to realize that, yeah, I do hurt just like any other person out there, I do get sad and depressed, I don't know what I would do, I really don't. I've made this image of myself that I feel I have to keep up. I know that if they do love me, if they really are my friends like they say they are, they would understand, but for some reason, I just can't let that guard down no matter how hard I try. So, I hide, I voice some of it here, not all of it, though. I keep things to myself that no one will ever know, and I hold my head high and keep moving forward like nothing is wrong. Maybe I was always meant to do this...........[/COLOR]

[COLOR=red][FONT=Courier]I was able to give Elly her surprise. She loved it. I'm so happy. Took me forever to work those picks together to get them to fit right. I am pleased with the final result though. It turned out nicer than what I first thought. To be able to give her that small token, that means so much to me. I do hope to get the chance to get to know her a lot better in the future. She has such a good heart.

I still haven't had the chance to talk to Alloran, and I must admit, I'm missing him. Hopefully I will be able to see him soon though. The notes we leave each other are nice, but it's not the same as being able to look into his eyes. Soon, I know, must have patience on this.

I've been able to talk to Ams about something via messages. She's raised some good points on the subject, something I really need to think about before moving forward with it. I'll have to see how it all goes, I suppose, and really think things through.

I was talking to Sel last eve. During that talk, I've come to realize how rare these tb's and crystals alone have become in this cave I've been farming. Don't get me wrong, the plat I'm making is great, but still, it would be nice to see one of the other two every now and then. I haven't seen one of em in about 2 months it would seem. It also seems that Polly and his bonding has been pushed back. I don't know if that's a good sign or not. I really don't know on that one. I know how disappointed the two of them must be because of that, but hopefully they will see the good that has come because of this. I guess it's just me, knowing her history and all, thinking they are rushing, I don't know.

I was talking to someone that took a peek at my journal, and he was complaining that I didn't mention him in it. Well, I don't think I will mention him just because he said that Let's see how he likes that one

I can't believe, Jaden was telling me before I went to rest how she got Sel before he had to rest last eve. Seems she had something for him, and before she went back to her spot, she casted a portal and told him that it was to Caern for the cannon. Come to find out, it was to the Dead Zone. He was throwing a fit when the horror killed him. Serves him right for following me to one of my spots then stuffing my pack. You would think he would know better, because some type of way, I will get him back. Rather it be through me, one of my friends or my sister, he will get payback.........[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Impact][COLOR=red]I'll admit, I haven't wanted to do anything but farm here lately. Not really wanting to see anyone....well, I take that back, there's one I do want to see, but seems like we have a tendency of waking at different times throughout the day. So, I stay in this cave with my thoughts and with the few messenger birds that do find me down here, just farming away. Someone once asked me, what it was that I am farming for. You know, I really don't know, it's not like I really need the plat or anything, I just do it to have something to do and also it helps to let some of the aggravation escape me. I still haven't been able to speak to any of my officers since I've been awake. I don't know if it's just my timing or what. I know they are out there somewhere, it's a matter of finding them, I suppose. And I know we will be able to touch base with each other soon enough, it's just me getting impatient yet again. It's the one thing I really do need to learn to have more of....this patience. When I see something I want, I want it now, when it's something I know that needs to be done, I want it completed right away, and yeah, a part of me expects others to be the same, but I do know that's just not the case, so this is teaching me to have some of the patience I do need. Hopefully one day I will be a more patient person. But it's sort of like the worrying thing, I do too much of that also. It's not that I do it on purpose, I really don't, but I do worry about the things and the people that mean the most to me. It's always been my way. So, is it really a bad thing when you are passionate about something that you care what happens to it or them? Maybe I just shouldn't let it all show so much. Maybe one day that will be one area that I will be able to conceal from everyone else, like so many other things that I do.......[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=red]I have been resting too much this past week. It's time for me to wake and get back into the swing of things. I miss the guild and my friends. I miss him most of all though. And why shouldn't I? He's absolutely wonderful to me. Hopefully we will get the chance to sit and talk here soon.

Tor is back. Dang boy, goin to have to figure somethin out to keep tabs on him. He can't keep disappearin like he does all the time. But I guess that's what little brothers do, specially when they don't want older sister to know the mischief they are causin. Just as long as he doesn't get into too much trouble, then I suppose it's all good. But, dang it, he causes me to worry too dang much.

I haven't been able to touch base with Ams, Isis, Alloran or Tor about how the guild has been while I've been asleep. Hopefully I will be able to do that here real soon. I feel so lost with not knowing what's goin on anymore.

Polly and Sel are gettin bonded in a few days. Have no clue what all is goin to happen with that. I'm happy for the both of them that they were able to find each other. I just hope they ain't rushin into anything and wind up gettin hurt in the long run. I suppose I will always worry about them, seein how they are my trainees. I sort of adopt all of them as my children and feel like I have to watch over them all the time, make sure they are ok and all. I know they will be fine, they do make a lovely couple. I do wish them both well and a lifetime of happiness.

I'm still workin on the surprise for Elly for her work on this journal. Hopefully I will have it done in the next couple of days. It's been a slow progress, specially with the unexpected rest I had to take. But one good thing the rest did was to heal my hand pretty much all the way. I'm still using the glove to protect my knuckles til it's fully healed. Hopefully that will only be a few more days though. It will feel good to be able to feel my weapon in my hand without this glove on. This is one area I do need to be patient in, which is hard for me to do.........[/COLOR]

[COLOR=red]I have been in the strangest of moods for the past couple of days. I don't even know how to go about explaining it all, really. I don't want to farm, I don't want to train, I really don't want to talk to anyone, not even my closest of friends, which is odd for me. I sit somewhere and just watch, occasionally make the appropriate comments and gestures, but it's all an act. The funny thing is, no one can tell. Is is just me wanting to practice this skill or is there something deep down that my sub conscience knows and it will all eventually come to my mind when I least expect it? More questions for me to ponder, that's all it feels like I'm doing here lately.

Ams asked me last eve if everything was ok, and I told her it was. How do you explain to someone what you are feeling when you don't even know what is going on yourself?

I know it'll all work itself out and I'll get over this mood in a couple of days or so, but still, it irks me to feel like this. I hate it. No matter how I try to push it out of my system, I just can't seem to do it..............[/COLOR]

[COLOR=red][FONT=Geneva]I don't know how to ever thank Elly for the work she did. I asked her to simply design a journal for me. Everyone pretty much knows what I like and don't like, so I gave her free reign on it. What she turned out, well, it's absolutely stunning. I sat marc upon marc just staring at it, not believing the work she put into it. Part of me knows, though, that she did push herself on it, and hopefully she didn't push too hard.

I got to speak to Alloran in fleeting moments the past couple of days. Even though it wasn't for long, what time I do get to spend with him is treasured.

I got mad when the lands weren't right and punched the LM. To say the the least, that LM got the best of me. I wasn't able to farm for a few days because of the busted knuckles and even now, it's going a bit slow. My hand is sore, big time, but I will continue to hide that from everyone. With time, I will be able to train and farm like always. I will just have to take it as easy as I can for now.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[COLOR=red]Things are going great. I have talked to a couple in the guild about making a get together once a week. I need to speak to a few others about making this happen. I can't wait to see what they have to say about it. We'll just have to wait and see.

I've been able to talk to Alloran just in fleating moments here lately, I can't wait to really sit and spend time with him. Hopefully here soon we can do just that. I miss him and the way he can always make me laugh.

Seems the Gods have made it to where I have to sit and take a break. I need to be out farming, but that isn't going to happen any time soon. I have found myself sitting in the inn in Dundee, not much really happening. I do hope Jeffrey doesn't get too upset with the carving I made in one of the tables, I was so bored, there was nothing else to do, I'm sure that he will understand. What's the worst that will happen, he will kick me out, I suppose, but there are many other inns I do enjoy to go to anyways.........[/COLOR]

She was so beautiful, he was stunning. You could literally feel the love in the air that the two of them have for each other. That they asked me to be there to witness them taking their vows for each other, I was truly honored. To see two of my trainees grow together and then celebrate their love like this, it really touched my heart. It's one of the things that I know I will never forget. I shall treasure watching them grow together, not only as rogues in these lands but also in their love for one another.

I was able to spend some time with friends before the bonding of Lexi and Carl. It was so much fun. To pick on Teach and Abra and then have Alloran show up, yesterday was truly a great day for me. I got the relaxation I so much needed. I just hope and pray to the Gods that I have more days like that. They are few and far between for me, rather it's my own doings or not........I'm not going to go there..........

Today, I must farm for what I am wanting to get Carl and Lexi, hopefully I will have it soon. They surprised me by telling me I had gotten the day wrong, so now, I have to get this done. I am just glad I woke in time to make it. Although I don't suggest running across the desert in bare feet anytime soon to anyone, that wasn't a wise choice. I'll just have to make sure to soak my feet in one of the many pools often..........

I've been sitting here, in one of my favorite spots, looking out over the plains and at the glass building, thinking. So many things come to my mind. Why do I push myself to be the best at everything? When I see the look in his eyes, and his worry over me, is it really all worth it? Sure, I want the guild to be the best out there, but I know I can't do that alone, it's going to take dedication and work from the officers and members also, so why do I keep pushing myself?

At one time, the training, it was to pass up Corum because he said it couldn't be done and would taunt me, I made that an unspoken challenge and took it upon myself to complete it and, well, I've done that, twice now, so why don't I stop and just sit back and relax? Why do I always find myself back out there training or farming? What is it going to take to get me to slow down? Will I finally stop when I see those around me so unhappy about my discissions, when I've driven all of those that I do cherish so far away from me that I don't even know how to begin to bring them back? How do I even start to explain to him when I don't even know what the answers are myself as to what keeps pushing me? Could it all be the past with what happened coming back to haunt me in this little way? Is it because I want to be better prepared just in case that demon comes back?

So many questions and I don't know where to even begin to find the answers. I sit here at this table, staring into my ale or out at the plains, hoping that the answers will come, but I know that won't happen. Some where, the answers are there, some how, I have to find them. But I must remember not to let those close to me slip away......................

I can't believe it, I've been made a Lady. What ever possessed the powers that be to do that, I have not a clue. I am still in shock over it all. I really don't know what to think or how to act. As long as I don't have to change, then I'll take it all in stride.

I can't wait for a guild plot to open up, so I can give this guild a home that they so deserve. It's been too long not having one of our own. To be able to have that place, to know they all helped work on it, to be ours, and to see the excitement in their eyes, that's what I long to see. Hopefully the wait won't be much longer...........

Why is it, no matter what my mood may be, how my day has gone, he comes along and evades my space and everything just seems to be right?

I was able to surprise him last eve with a blank ammy. He had been looking for one for so long, that the moment I got it, there was no doubt who I was going to give it to. It's the first time I think I ever saw him speechless about something. It felt so good to see the look on his face, it truly warmed my heart and soul and made me realize why it is I love this man like I do and why I let him know me better than anyone.

So, they are telling me not to worry, and well, I do try not to, but when it's someone you love, you can't help but to do so, to want them to be happy.

I sat and watched Val struggle with a green guardian last eve after he went to rest. She has so much determination, when others would have given up, seeing that they weren't doin any damage to them, she would quickly retreat, heal herself then head right back in there, then all she could do was apologize because it was just a dull. When will she realize that, so what if it's a dull, to watch that determination and to see her be victorious over him, that in itself was something I was so proud of being able to see her do. It won't be long before she does have that green and I'll help her get those wp's with great pleasure, but knwoing her, i'll have to be sneaky about giving them to her.............

((**you see deep heavy black lines marking out the wording**))

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

After a little rest, I am back and trying my best to remember what it is I'm suppose to be doing. I think I was able to help a friend out, which to see her dreams come true, then I'm more than happy. Although now she wants to be able to repay me. When will they realize that I don't need to be repaid, all I want is for them to be happy? I suppose that's something that I will have to make sure she knows.

Finally, after I don't know how long, I finally got to see him last eve, and it felt so good, for him to hold me and to look into his eyes. He gave me the most ..... amazing?.... gift before he rested, that's really the only way I know to describe it. By him giving me this, I know now without a doubt what he means to me, and always will..........